


The Night That Changed Everything

by Lilliclementi93



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Best Friends, Choices, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Danger, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Feels, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Growth, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Late Night Conversations, Late at Night, Lian Yu, Love, Love Confessions, Major Character Injury, Personal Growth, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Protectiveness, Psychological Trauma, Relationship Discussions, Secrets, Self-Acceptance, True Love, Trust, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-02 02:00:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11499399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilliclementi93/pseuds/Lilliclementi93
Summary: Felicity and John get separated from the others when Lian Yu explodes, and they find themselves hurt and stuck on what remains of the island, waiting to be rescued.When the night falls on them, Felicity decides it's time to reveal to her best friend a secret that she had buried inside of her heart for a long time.She can only hope that John will understand-- and Oliver will forgive her.





	1. Shaking

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo-- Hi! :)  
> This idea was stuck in my head since the season finale, so I finally decided to write it down.  
> The story is complete, so I'll update it as soon as I have time.
> 
> As always, I apologize for any errors you might find, English is not my first language.  
> Happy reading!

They were walking too slowly.

John had twisted his ankle and now he was leaning on her, limping by her side. She had convinced the others to go faster, promising them that they were right behind.

Slade had looked at her from behind his mask for a long moment before turning on his heels. No matter how much time had passed—he still gave her the creeps.

Samanta just nodded and the others mouthed a "hurry up" before making their way through the forest.

"You should have gone with them, Felicity." John's voice was strong but inclined with pain, and she gripped his hand on her shoulder tighter.

"I'm not leaving you behind in this hellish island- not a chance."

He shook his head. "But-"

She stopped, turning to him a little. "We stick together, we'll catch up in no time-"

He stared at her for a long moment before smiling softly, kissing her head. "We stick together- always."

They started walking again and her mind drifted to Oliver.

"My entire being is telling me to go back and help him- find William and stop Chase."

John nodded beside her. "I know-"

"But we're going on the opposite side of the island- we're running away. We're leaving him behind-"

"He can take care of himself and William, Felicity. You know that-"

She was staring at the ground in front of her. "Yes, he can take care of himself and William. But- what about Chase?"

The moment his name left her mouth- the entire island  _shook_.

They froze in place as the ground under their feet cracked- and their eyes met.

 _The bombs_.

John's hand tighten on her as they turned to look behind them. Explosions were coming off from the other side of the island, trees were coming down and they could see fire and smoke- heading right toward them.

" _Shit_ —" John gripped her waist, digging his fingers in her skin- and they  _ran_.

Despite his ankle, he almost lifted her off the ground as they were running through the forest. And then an explosion went off beside them- rocking the ground and making them stumble on their feet.

They never stopped. They just kept running- until all she could feel was  _heat_.

A blinding heat that made her skin inflame behind her and the air was sucked from her lungs- the next second they were flying in the air, launched forward. She was slammed against a tree and John landed heavily on the ground a few feet beside her.

She groaned in pain-  _yeah,_  she had something broke for sure. She turned on her side coughing, the ground under her skin was hot and shaking.

"John-" Every breath was like a stab in her chest. She shifted again, another groan of pain leaving her lips.

He moved, a hiss coming from his mouth as well. At least he was alive.

And then another explosion went off just in front of them, splitting the ground in two- and all slowed down.

She knew it before she actually saw it.

A tree trembled as the explosion rocked its foundations- and all started crumbling down right over where John was slumped on the ground.

And before her brain could catch up with her feet, she was up and running toward him.

"Watch out!" She launched herself on John, pushing him out of the way as what remained of the tree collapsed on her.

 

* * *

 

She came conscious screaming in pain.

She couldn't open her eyes and she couldn't move. There was something crushing her lower body to the ground, keeping her absolutely still. She tried to open her eyes, but she felt wetness and debris all around her, sticking to her skin.

"Felicity! Please- wake up."

In the midst of the agony coming from all along her body, she felt a hand squeezing hers.

"John-"

"Oh God Felicity- open your eyes,  _please_ -"

Tears ran down her cheeks. "I-I can't-"

She felt him move behind her, shifting on the ground. "Hang on-"

And then his giant hand cupped her face, brushing his fingers on her skin, taking away ash, blood, tears, debris. "Open your eyes Felicity, come on- look at me."

She squinted her eyes open- gasping as a wave of pain washed over her. When she managed to take a breath, she opened her eyes completely.

The island was burned to the ground- there was smoke everywhere, the ground was fractured and every now and then there were flames coming up from burning trees all around them.

And then her eyes landed on her body- she was covered in ash and debris- and a part of the tree was crushing down on her lower body, pinning her to the ground.

And the pain-  _wow,_  the pain was something she couldn't even understand.

"Felicity- look at me." Her watery eyes shifted to John who was slumped on the ground beside her, covered in debris and blood as well.

"John—the explosions-" The air left her lungs again, and she felt a pressure on her lungs, keeping her from breathing. John cupped her cheeks again, forcing her to look at him in the eyes.

"Felicity,  _breathe_. You have to relax your body as much as you can and breathe, come on."

She did. She allowed every muscle in her body to relax on the ground- and the pressure lifted a little.

"Good—no, don't try to speak. Just breathe."

After a few long minute, she could take a breath normally. "John-" She didn't really know what she wanted to say- what she wanted to ask. He simply caressed the skin under her eyes, wiping away her tears.

"It's okay—you have to focus for me. I know it hurts, but you have to tell me what you feel- Do you feel your legs?"

More tears ran down her cheeks at the thought that she might have damaged the biostimulant again- maybe forever.

She forced these thoughts aside and she started a mental check of her body-- from her head and down- shoulders, probably one or two ribs inclined or broken and then- she could feel her hips- and she could feel both of her legs and the pain radiating from the right one.

"I think I can feel both of my legs- " John released a breath. "Good- so the biostimulant still works, that's good. Can you move them? Even a little?"

She tried.

Her left leg moved an inch under the tree- the right was pinned and the pain coming from it was killing her.

"I can move the left one a little- the right one, I think it's broken John- it hurts."

"Okay-"

She blinked her eyes. "I feel sleepy-"

He cupped her face. "No Felicity, you have to stay awake-  _focus_ , can you feel where it's broken? Above or below the knee? Do you feel like you're bleeding?"

She closed her eyes for a moment. "I-I think above the knee- I don't know if it bleeds. It's getting dumb-"

"Felicity- stay awake! You have to-"

John's voice became distant as she drifted more and more into the darkness.

 

* * *

 

She came to her senses again slowly, like her mind was refusing to wake up altogether. When she finally managed to open her eyes again, John was slumped on her right side checking her leg.

"John-" He turned immediately to her, brushing a hand through her hair. "Oh thank God- you scared me."

"I don't feel pain anymore-"

He just nodded, his brows furrowing. "Your legs are getting numb- you're losing blood but the piece of tree is pushing on the wound- actually preventing you from bleeding out-"

She snorted. "That's-  _great_."

"I tried to lift it off of you- but my foot and ankle are useless and I can't make enough leverage-"

She just nodded. "What are we going to do?"

"I'll go find help-"

She turned her face to him. "How? You're hurt, John. You can't even stand-"

"I'll crawl-- I can't just do nothing—you're losing too much blood, you could go into shock and I can't-"

She gripped his fingers. "The others will find us- they must have been arrived at the boat in time, right?"

John lied down beside her, taking her hand in his. "I sure hope so."

"They made it, I know it. Thea and Curtis will keep everyone safe— and Oliver will find us."

They stayed silent for a few minutes, the sky was slowly turning dark- the sun disappearing under the remaining trees.

"What you did- you shouldn't have Felicity-"

She turned her face to look at him. "Why? Why it is okay for you two boys to put yourself in danger to save me all the time, but I can't do the same for you? I'm not going to apologize for that."

"You could have-" His eyes closed for a moment. "You could have died, Felicity."

"Yes. But we're both alive- that's enough for me."

John shook his head, squeezing her hand. "You're better than me and Oliver- that's  _why_."

The words stung and Felicity flinched, her body suddenly rigid. She stared at the sky, mostly dark. A few stars were coming out to light up the night.

"I'm not-" Her voice came out in a whisper before she could stop it.

"What?" John turned to look at her, but hers remained glued up.

"Better than you-  _I'm not_."

"Felicity-"

"Do you ever think that maybe- maybe there's a reason why these things keep happening to us? And I'm not talking about Oliver being the Arrow, just- maybe we hurt too many people-- gambled with _too_ many lives. Maybe we deserve all of this-- maybe we deserve to suffer."

He sighed. "Felicity- I know it's been a tough year,  _hell_ \- five years, and that you and Oliver weren't on the same page recently- but it's going to be okay. We're going to be okay."

She kept staring at the sky, a few tears running down her cheeks. John squeezed her hand again.

"Oliver loves you- he never stopped. He made mistakes-"

"We both did." A few more tears ran down her cheeks. "I walked, John. I just walked- and that was wrong. I literally gained the ability to stand again just to walk out of his life. I should have stayed, I should have talked to him- I should have told the  _truth_  when I had the chance. But I was so scared- and so  _hurt_." She was crying, her ragged breaths coming in sharp quick exhale.

John turned more fully to her, a worried look on his face. "The truth about what? What are you talking about?"

She shook her head, the tears carving a path down her cheeks. "I-I- There's so much you don't know- and it's all my fault. I should have told the truth when I had the chance-"

John cupped her cheek, forcing her to tilt her head to look at him.

"Whatever it is- you can tell me, Felicity. You know that."

She stared at her best friend in the eyes- and she knew it was time. It was time to open the door she had locked more than a year ago—it was time to let the river _flow_.

He wiped away her tears, and she focused on calming her racing heart. When her eyes returned to John, he was smiling softly at her.

She squeezed his hand.

"T-The night Oliver proposed- and Darkh shot me. Something else happened that night-- something that changed  _everything_."

John's brows furrowed, his stance became rigid.

"What happened?"


	2. Revealing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second chapter!  
> Thank you for your support and reviews! 
> 
> As always, I apologize for any errors you might find, English is not my first language.  
> Happy reading!
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains discussions about miscarriage that could be "trigger" material.

**_Christmas 2015_ **

 

The first time Felicity managed to open her eyes she was lying on a hospital bed in a semi dark room. There were tubes coming in and out of her skin and she had to blink twice for the fog in her head to disappear.

And then she remembered why she was there in the first place.

Oliver proposed—and she said yes.

There were happiness and kisses—until Darkh's men started shooting at them. Oliver covered her with his body, yelling above the noises that they were going to be okay. And then he moved to drive the limo away—and she got shot.

 _Oliver_.

Her eyes went wide but before she had even the chance to scream, her mother came into the room followed by a doctor.

"Mom! Oliver—where's Oliver? Is he okay?"

Donna's eyes were full of tears as she cupped her cheeks. "Baby—he's fine. He brought you here and then he said he had to do something—but he's fine." Felicity didn't miss the hint of disappointment and anger in her mother's voice.

"Thank God!" She closed her eyes as relief washed over her and she slumped back on the bed. She could imagine what was the 'something' he had to do.

Kill Darkh, for starters.

When she opened them again, the doctor was still standing at the foot of the bed, a serious look on his face, and when she shifted her eyes to her mother she saw tears coming down her eyes.

"What's going on?" Her voice came out tenser than she intended.

The doctor broke the silence. "Miss Smoak, I'm Doctor Carson, I'm the one who took care of you when you arrived in the ER."

Felicity nodded. "Is something wrong?" Her mother shifted on the chair beside her.

"Your conditions are  _serious_ , Miss Smoak. You were shot with two bullets, one came through your lower abdomen on the right side, the other much higher— we're keeping your body sedated because we're fearing a spinal cord injury."

As soon as the words sunk in her head—she realized for the first time that she couldn't feel her body. She was so worried about Oliver that she didn't even notice it- her body was asleep from the waist down.

Her voice came out in a whisper. "A spinal cord injury?" The doctor nodded. "Yes. But there aren't any certainties yet, Miss Smoak. It could be temporary. We'd like to take a few more tests—and if we find that there is indeed some damage, we can try to operate and repair it. I don't want to scare you—we simply don't have enough information at the moment, we'll know better in the next few hours."

She swallowed. She could be paralyzed for life—and the thought was terrifying. She started shaking.

When the doctor cleared his throat, bringing her attention back to him- she saw discomfort in his eyes. "Miss Smoak, there's another thing—" Before he could finish the sentence, Donna was on her feet, gripping Felicity's hand in hers.

"Thank you, Doctor."

He opened his mouth, but her mother was quicker. "She's my daughter—if she needs to know, she'll know it from me."

The doctor just nodded and left the room. Felicity squeezed her mother's hand. "Mom? What's going on?"

Donna turned to her, tears leaking from her eyes and she sat on the bed next to her. She cupped her cheek, brushing her fingers on her pale skin. "Felicity, baby—" A sob came out of her mother.

For her mother to be so upset, whatever this was had to be horrible—even more horrible that a spinal cord injury. "Mom—you're scaring me. Tell me—"

Donna kissed her forehead. "I just want you to know that I love you so much, baby. You're my baby girl— I'll never leave you."

"Mom-"

Donna moved back a little. "They—They found out—T-There was—" More tears ran down her mother's cheeks. "There was a  _baby_ , Felicity. Y-You were pregnant—"

 _Pregnant_.

Everything went silent and still as Donna watched in horror Felicity's eyes becoming wide and her breath caught in her throat.

"What?" She couldn't stop the whisper that escaped her lips.

"I'm so sorry baby, the bullet- the pregnancy was at a very early stage and the trauma was just too much, they couldn't—"

 _They couldn't save him_. She was alive—and her baby was  _dead_.

Donna started crying silently beside her, stroking her hair.

Felicity was in shock. It was too much.

Her entire being floated out of her body, watching the scene unfolding from the outside. The rest was just white noise. She couldn't even hear her mother talking because—she had been pregnant.

She had been pregnant with Oliver's baby. For a short period of time—they were three. They were a  _family_. They created a life together—and just like that, it was gone.

Darkh took that away from her—from them.

Blood rushed to her head and her hand gravitated to her flat stomach.

She felt Donna's hand cover hers.

"No— mom,  _please_. There must have been a mistake-" She realized it was her own voice. She was crying.

Donna moved to hug her, and she was engulfed in her mother's arms. "Oh, baby—I'm so sorry."

She shut her eyes closed. "But I didn't even feel it—I didn't know- God,  _no_. No no no— _please_. No-"

 _Pain_ split her heart in two. It was something she couldn't even put into words.

And then there were only tears for both women. Felicity cried in her mother's arms until the sobs were reduced to silent tears and Donna was lying on the bed beside her, stroking her hair.

"It's going to be okay, baby-"

She couldn't even recognize her own broken voice when she spoke again. " _How_?"

Donna closed her eyes. "I don't know."

"Oliver can't know about this."

Donna moved beside her, looking at her in the eyes. "What? Felicity—"

She shook her head. "I can't. You don't understand- It will  _destroy_  him, and he needs to stay focus. He doesn't have to suffer from all of this right now—I can keep it to myself. I can bear it—I can bear it for the both of us."

She could live alone in the knowledge of what they had lost that night—if it meant sparing him the pain.

"You _can't_ keep it to yourself, Felicity. He has the right to know—" She made her daughter look at her. "You have to  _lean_ on him, baby. You need to grieve—you need to mourn your baby together, or you'll never heal—"

The tears came back with vengeance and they flooded down Felicity's cheeks. "I will, mom. I will tell him—when this is all over. I will—but not right now. Promise me."

"When what is over?"

Felicity shook her head. "Just—promise me, mom."

Donna caressed her cheek. "I  _promise_."

 

* * *

 

**_Present Day_ **

 

By the time she was done talking, the night had fallen on them and they were surrounded by darkness. The only lights were coming from the stars and the fires still burning around the island. She was  _cold_. And not the usual cold from a chilly night on an island—she was cold deep down in her bones.

They stayed silent for a long time.

John was still holding her hand in his, his grip almost painful. There were tears running down his cheeks but he wasn't looking at her.

When the silence became too much, she spoke. "John- say something, please." Her whisper was barely audible.

He finally turned his face to look at her- and she saw  _devastation_  staring back at her.

" _God,_  Felicity-"

A sob got stuck in her throat and she just nodded a little. "I know—"

" _Why_ —why, in the name of God, didn't you say something?"

"I-I—" She gripped his wrist, shaking her head. "I couldn't, John - I just couldn't. Not in that moment- he had too much going on. He had to stay focus on Darkh, you had to deal with your brother, and then my injury- and I didn't know how to deal with that either, and he was already blaming himself—I was so messed up, I didn't know what I was doing."

John interrupted her, a serious look on his face. " _Screw_  Darkh! Screw my brother and the mission! You come first, Felicity. Please tell me you know that- for Oliver and for  _me_ , too."

"I know- I was going to tell you both, John. I  _swear_. You have to believe me-but then-"

He shook his head. "Then you learned about William and he was abducted."

She nodded. "I was hurt about the lie, that's no secret—but I knew that when that was over, I had to tell him. And then he just sent William away without even—" She shook her head, more tears falling.

John sighed, passing a hand over his face.  _Goddamnit_.

"It was just too much, too soon. I was so scared- and so,  _so hurt_. I thought I would lose him all over again- and I had lost  _so much_  already." Silent tears were coming down her cheeks. "And after- I just wanted Darkh to die for what he took from us. I thought that if he died- I would feel better. But instead I just felt—"

"-  _empty_."

John finished for her, and she nodded.

"The whole thing just left me—I don't know, John. I can't even put it into words. And then Havenrock happened. I was, I mean,  _I am_  still trying to get into terms with what I did—and I couldn't breathe anymore."

The familiar pressure on her lungs was back with vengeance.

"I was a coward. I didn't have the strength to face it again. I just wanted things to go back to normal—" A sob wracked her body. "-but they  _never_  did, John. Since that night I have this  _hole_  in my heart and it never goes away-"

John cupped her cheeks more firmly.

"You never allowed yourself to  _grieve_ , Felicity. You aren't a coward, you protected Oliver- carrying this all by yourself. But you were thinking of everyone except the only person that mattered-  _you._  No one would have blamed you for anything, you have to know that Felicity. You are one of the most important people in my life, you're my best friend- and Oliver loves you. You are his whole world."

She shook her head in his palms. "I'm sorry-"

"No-  _I am sorry_. I'm sorry you went through all of this alone. I'm so-  _so_  sorry for what happened that night. But Felicity- he needs to know. You  _need_ him, now more than ever."

She shifted her eyes away from him, but John made her look at him again. "Your mom was right, you'll never heal- the pain will never ease unless you face what happened-  _together_."

She shut her eyes closed. "I can't. He'll  _hate_  me, John. After he knows all of this— he will hate me. And he will hate  _himself_."

John wiped away her tears. "I don't think there's a force on earth that would make Oliver Queen hate you, Felicity. Yes, he will blame himself—but that's why he needs  _you_."

She shook her head. "I don't know if I can- I don't know if I'm strong enough."

"I think that if all of this has proven something—is that you're the  _strongest_  person I've ever met, Felicity Smoak. You'll survive this—Oliver will, too."

He kissed her forehead, resting his chin on the top of her head. After a while he laid down again next to her, holding her hand.

She was exhausted. The pain was slowing returning and her ribs and back hurt for staying still in the same position for hours. Felicity turned her eyes to the stars again, and she decided in that moment to be completely honest with her friend. One hundred percent, all cards on the table. No more  _secrets_.

She closed her eyes. "I almost left."

John's head whipped to her. "What?"

She nodded. "I couldn't find peace anywhere. The loss was—" She shook her head in disbelief. "I wasn't sleeping anymore. I just- I was a wreck."

A lonely tear escaped her eyes at the memory of all of the nights she spent sitting in front of the windows, asking herself how she ended up like that. Wondering if she would ever going to be fine again.

"So I decided to leave. I had all packed and ready to go—I wasn't going to say anything. I booked a flight to Nevada to be with my mom and I was ready to leave."

"Why didn't you?" John's voice was soft but sad.

She held his gaze for a long moment.

"I got a call—from  _you_."

John shifted beside her, his brows furrowing.

"I didn't answer it. But I listened to—"

"—the voice mail." He finished, closing his eyes in understanding. He remembered the call, what he said to her.

She smiled sadly at him. "You said you were leaving, joining the Army again. And you said you were worried about me, about Oliver. And then—"

He looked at her in the eyes. "—I asked you to take care of each other while I was gone."

Another tear followed the same path.

"Thea was leaving, too. I went to the lair, and I found him in the middle of the rubbles—just standing there,  _alone_. And I couldn't do it- despite everything, I couldn't leave him."

John's softened. "I'm glad."

She simply squeezed his hand in hers.

John and that voice mail were the reasons she fought through the burning desire to ran away. Thinking about it now, it would have been a terrible mistake. Still, even if she stayed on the team and she helped Oliver rebuild it all…she couldn't tell him about that night. It was too late. She had closed that door—buried the pain in the farthest corner of her heart.

And she simply started pretending she was fine.

 _'The problem is that you can't pretend forever, Felicity'_ Her mother's voice ringing in her ears. How right she was.

After that, silence fell on them.

She was sure John was still taking in what she had told him—and it was a lot. They stayed like that for a while, until the words just spilled out of her mouth.

"Do you—do you think we can still do it? Oliver and me?"

John turned to her. "You don't?"

She turned her gaze to the sky again. "When we came back from Ivi Town I thought we could do it all. I thought we could—be together and be on the team, I believed we were strong enough to face anything. And then all of this happened, and I guess I lost—"

"— _faith_."

She smiled a little. "Stop finish my sentences."

He smiled back. "Sorry. It's just—odd. Oliver asked me the same thing—" She tilted her eyebrow in question. "Yes—when you found out that Ray was alive and you guys were fighting—he asked me why did you choose him over Ray. He thought maybe this life was just too much for your relationship—"

"Oh…"

"I'll tell you what I told him back then—this is how it's supposed to be. It's not meant to be easy, giving what we do—what we see every day with this life. But from what I have seen so far—you two are at your best when you're together."

"Do you really think that?"

"The point is—yes, something terrible happened and it's going to take  _time_ , but you've been completely in love with each other for almost five years. I think you owe to yourself to fight for what you have—"

He squeezed her shoulder. "If anyone deserves to be happy—it's you and Oliver."

Tears pooled again in her eyes. "I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like you—"

He squeezed her hand. "Trust me, I ask myself the same question about you every day."

She chuckled and he smiled softly at her.

She shifted on the ground, and a hiss of pain escaped her lips. John moved to take a look at her leg and she saw the line of his jaw tensing.

"It doesn't look good, does it?"

"You're losing a lot of blood—"

"Oliver is going to find us."

"Yeah—let's hope it's soon rather than later. It's almost two in the morning—it's been hours."

"He'll come."

They fell silent again after that, both staring at the stars while minutes passed and nothing happened. For the first time in so long, she felt relieved. John knew— _finally_. The most painful and horrifying moment of her life—he finally knew it. And she received nothing but love and understanding in return. No judgment, no blame.

She should have known better than to doubt that. She should had trust them with her heart. But there was no turning back now— she had to tell Oliver. There was no escaping this.

She allowed herself to think about what could have been if that night never happened, if she was never shot. They would have gone home to celebrate their engagement. And maybe—a few weeks later she would have known about the pregnancy, and she would have told Oliver. Felicity could see crystal clear in her mind the moment the news would have sunk in and the joy blooming in his eyes. There would have been doubts and fear but ultimately kisses and promises—she could see the light, the lazy mornings in bed with a baby between them.

She could see the happiness—the  _love_.

She wasn't cold anymore.


	3. Author's note

_**Author's note.** _

I’m sorry to bother people with this, but since I have received at least two comments accusing me of misogyny and hating women and Felicity, and since I’m a woman and I care about the issue, I feel I have the right to make my point clear.

I’m not the writers. I don’t write the show. I hated the baby-mama storyline just like everyone else. I screamed when Oliver lied about William, I screamed again when he proposed and kept lying. I thought it was stupid and unnecessary. But, this story is NOT ABOUT OLIVER. Is not about his choices and his mistakes.

This is about Felicity. Her feelings, her loss, her pain and how she deals with them. I simply used what the writers did and I gave her another reason to walk.

In this story, she knows Oliver had the right to know from the beginning but she’s afraid and she’s hurt, so she lies. She takes the easiest road. Because she’s human and she makes mistakes. Sounds familiar?

And then I wrote that she thought she made a mistake when she left. You know why?

Because when things get hard, Oliver flees. He lies.

When things get hard, Felicity STAYS.

And while I agree that she had every right to leave– THAT'S NOT WHO SHE IS. At least not to me. She fights, she talks and she argues, she makes her point and makes others believe it, too. That’s what makes her so incredibly brave to my eyes.

Just like lying, walking away from problems and hiding, avoiding any type of confrontations is easy especially when you're hurt. That's what Oliver does. What’s hard is staying. It takes balls to stay and argue and be ready to get even more hurt, or be even more dissapointed– especially from those we love.

She said she made a mistake because she knows herself well enough to know that running away doesn’t work. Walking out of the door and out of Oliver’s life didn’t make the pain go away and it didn’t solve anything. But maybe if she had stayed (and I don't mean in the relationship, I mean in the loft when she found out the truth), talked and yelled at him, maybe some things would have gone differently.

OR MAYBE NOT.

The thing is– if you just walk without even try to make your point, you’ll never know. I had my fair share of experiences to know that.

(I repeat, I’m only talking about Felicity. This isn’t about what Oliver should have done– I don’t have all day.)

I don’t hate Felicity, and if you read my stories you know that. In fact, I respect her enough to give her strength and self-confidence to make her admit that since she knows who she is: strong, brave and independent she should have stayed and at least try to reason with him. She doesn't own him anything, but she owns it to herself.

She didn’t because she was hurt– and THAT’S FINE.

But by saying that if she stayed she would have shown no respect for herself, you’re the one disrespecting her and women. Talking and arguing and share your point is NEVER a sign of weakness.

I don’t feel the need to polarize women, Felicity is neither the angel or the devil. She’s as complex and contradictory as Oliver.

Anyway, this is MY view on MY story. I love sharing my works and ideas with people, and and I love reading what you have to say and constructive criticisms. And if your view is different from mine that’s GREAT– but I don’t appreciate being called a misogynist or that I make you regret to be a woman, especially when is completely unjustified– since you don’t even know me, and you don’t know how the story ends.

That's all I have to say about this. To those people, I’m sorry my writing isn’t for you. Feel free to never read my stories again– and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

To everyone else, thank you for taking the time to read this.

 


	4. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the last chapter.  
> Thank you so much for taking the time to read my note and for understanding my point. 
> 
> Happy reading :)
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains discussions about miscarriage that could be "trigger" material.

"Felicity! Wake up—come on, open your eyes!" 

She gasped, her eyes open. John was leaning on his arm, towering over her. He was terrified.

"What—"

"You passed out Felicity—you're losing too much blood. You're pulse is getting weaker—you have to stay awake."

"I feel dizzy—and sleepy."

"I know but you can't- you have to keep your eyes open,  _please_."

She groaned, she really wanted to sleep. Just for a little while. "Felicity—hey! Look at me—They're coming, and you're going to be  _okay_ \- but you have to stay awake!"

She couldn't keep her eyes open. "If I—just  _tell_  him—"

"I'm not telling him anything, Felicity—you are."

She mumbled something back and she felt John's finger on her neck probably checking her pulse. " _Damn it_ — no, Felicity!"

She wanted to reassure him, but she couldn't even move an inch—much less speak. Her body was completely asleep, and her pulse was too slow. At some point, not enough blood would reach her heart—and it would stop.

She didn't know how much time she stayed floating into a space between consciousness and unconsciousness, but she could hear John talking to her, asking her to stay awake—until she heard another voice in the distance.

His voice.

Oliver.

_"Felicity! John! Can you hear me? John! Felicity! Please—Can you hear me?"_

She felt John moving beside her, but she couldn't open her eyes. "Oliver! We're here!—Oliver's here Felicity, we're going to get you out."

She felt feet running toward them. "John! Oh God—Felicity! I thought you two-"

And then she felt him. His warm hands cradled her face and a few tears ran down her cheeks. He wiped them away, kissing her forehead. " _Don't cry_ —It's okay. You're going to be fine, Felicity. John, are you hurt?"

John spoke from beside her. "I hurt my ankle and foot and when the tree collapsed she pushed me away—her leg is broken and she's bleeding too much- I couldn't lift this off of her—"

Oliver kissed her forehead again before moving. "We'll do it together—"

"Her biostimulant still works—she's going to feel  _everything_ —"

Oliver moved to her, taking off his gloves. "Felicity- it's going to hurt,  _badly_. Open your mouth- bite this." He placed his glove gently between her lips.

He stroked her cheek again and then he moved away.

"Okay- don't hurt yourself John, I'll lift it- you check on her. On three. One, two, three!"

Even with the glove muffling the sound, the scream that came out of her mouth scared away some birds around the forest. Her eyes snapped open as adrenaline ran through her veins.

Her eyes landed on her leg- and  _wow_ , it was bad. The wound was open, the bone was broken above the knee and she was bleeding profusely. John kneeled beside her. "It's not the femoral artery but it's bad- Oliver come here, take off your jacket and your belt."

Felicity could only breathe hard, fighting the pain. Oliver took off his belt, watching her. "It's going to be okay, Felicity. Lyla and ARGUS are coming-"

She nodded. "A-Are the others- William-" He cupped her cheek, wiping away the tears. "Don't worry about them- they're all fine."

A pained smile light up her features. He placed the belt high on her thigh and he secured it tightly, slowly down the blood flow and the bleeding. She groaned in pain.

John took his jacket and wrapped it loosely around the open wound. "Okay- we have to get you to a hospital."

Oliver took a gun off his quiver and he fired a signal flare toward the sky. "They're coming."

John took her hand in his, squeezing her fingers and looking in the eyes. "Hold on, girl."

Oliver kissed her forehead again, brushing his thumbs under her circled back eyes.

A few minutes later she could hear the helicopter approaching. She closed her eyes again, exhausted, but smiled when John screamed Lyla's name.

Oliver's hand slipped in hers just when the darkness claimed her again.

* * *

When she opened her eyes again, she was warm. She was laid down not on hard ground anymore, but on soft sheets.

She was in a hospital, the room was dark except for a dim light beside the bed and she could see the clean dark sky through the window in the room.

And since her right leg was propped up and there were metal spikes coming out of her skin, she knew she had surgery.

Her eyes scanned the room and finally, they landed on the man resting on a chair beside her bed.

John.

She shifted a little on the mattress and pain spiked in her chest.

"Careful—you have two broken ribs, beyond other things."

John's voice was soft and gentle and she turned to look at him. He moved the chair closer, taking her hand in his.

She smiled. "How long-?"

"Two days. As soon as we arrived you had surgery. It was bad—but it went well. There's a lot of physical therapy in your future."

She smiled. "How are you? Your ankle—"

"It's fine, they patched me up."

"ARGUS? Are we home? The others?"

"Easy—we're still in China, in an ARGUS base. The others are fine— they're leaving right now. You can't travel yet, so Oliver is there to say goodbye to them."

"William?"

"He's fine—with his mother. Thea and the team will bring them home once they arrive in America."

"You should go, too. Go home—"

"Why? My family is here, Lyla and baby John—you and Oliver. We'll go home together once you're fine."

She smiled, squeezing his hand.

"John—I-I-" She swallowed. She brushed a hand through her blonde locks. "Before, I didn't get a chance to- I wanted to thank you, for  _everything_. For what you said back there—what I told you, It wasn't easy to accept- and I know that, but you—"

His hands cradled hers. "You don't,  _ever_ , have to thank me, Felicity. You are family. You're my sister, I love you. What you've gone through- the fact that I couldn't help you, it breaks my heart."

She smiled. "You're helping me right now. I love you, too."

And she was engulfed in his arms. She burrowed her face in his chest, closing her eyes.

"I'm sorry— I'm sorry for everything, Felicity."

"I'm sorry, too." She mumbled the words in his shirt.

"We'll get through this— we always do."

She simply nodded.

And then the door opened and someone entered the room. She knew immediately it was Oliver.

Her body became rigid and John squeezed her tighter against him, kissing her hair before slowly letting her go just enough to look at her.

"You can do this. You're the bravest, most selfless person I have ever met, Felicity Smoak. And you're doing the right thing."

She nodded, tears pooling in her eyes. John kissed her forehead again, before standing. Oliver was silently leaning against the doorframe watching them, and his brows furrowed at John's words.

John made his way toward the door, stopping right in front of Oliver. One of his hand landed on his shoulder. "She's been through a lot, just-  _listen_  to her, man."

Oliver brows furrowed even more and he just nodded. With one last smile at her, John left the room—leaving them alone for the first time since Chase kidnapped her. They stared at each other for a while, until he finally moved toward her. She shifted unconsciously on the bed, feeling the tension in the air. He ignored the chair and just sat on the bed right beside her.

He smiled softly at her, taking her hand in his. "How are you feeling?" He eyed the spikes in her thigh. "Are you in pain?"

She smiled back, shaking her head a little. "No- They gave me the good drugs." He chuckled, brushing his thumbs over the palm of her hand.

"How are the others? William and Samanta?"

"They're okay- William is confused, but fine. The team will bring them home in Central City as soon as they land."

"You should have gone with them, make sure they have everything-"

His serious eyes focused on hers. "You can't travel yet- not after the surgery you've had."

"I know, but John and Lyla are here. You-"

"I don't want to leave you. When you can- I'll go home with you."

She smiled again, shifting a little on the mattress. He took her hand in both of his.

After moments of silence, Oliver spoke again. "I didn't kill him- Chase. He put a gun to his head and he killed himself. I just want you to know that I didn't-"

He didn't break his promise again. He didn't take another life. She gripped his fingers, locking their gaze. "I know, Oliver- I knew it wasn't you."

He nodded. "Samanta told me that you send them on- that you didn't want to leave John behind, so you stayed back."

"He could barely stand- he needed me. We were walking toward the others when-"

Oliver closed his eyes, a pained expression on his face. "He pulled the trigger and the island started to explode. I watched from the boat- I had lost contact with you and I didn't know if you had made it to safety. And then after I don't how much time- I saw the other boat approaching. Slade and Thea told me you two were still on the island-"

His hand trembled and his shoulders became rigid. "I thought you were  _dead_. I wanted to come and search for you sooner- but ARGUS didn't let me move until they were sure the ground was stable enough."

Pain emerged with every word. Her hand reached his face, hesitating only for a second before cupping his cheek. He closed his eyes, leaning to her palm.

"I knew you would come for us, Oliver. And John was there- he took care of me."

"You put yourself in danger- that tree could have killed you, Felicity."

"I'm not going to apologize for saving our friend- so don't ask me to, Oliver." He stared at her for a long moment before nodding his head. She was about to take her hand away from his face when his fingers gripped her wrist, keeping it there. Their eyes met.

"When you-" His eyes closed for a moment before meeting hers again. "When you kissed me before-" Images of the kiss and the emotions floating through her veins made her take a deep breath. "You said something, you said that when it comes to the two of us, you regret enough already."

She tensed.

"And I-I just want to say that I'm sorry-"

She shook her head. "Oliver-" She couldn't hear this.

"I'm sorry for everything that I did wrong in our relationship- and God knows if I made you regret so many things in these years. But Felicity-"

"Oliver,  _stop_. Please-" The choking sound in her voice and the tears pooling in her eyes made him stop. He was looking at her with a worried expression on his face, shifting closer to her. He took both of her hands in his, trying to catch her eyes.

"What—Don't cry.  _Please_ , Felicity-" His hands cradled her face, wiping away her tears. She swallowed hard a few times, trying to calm her racing heart.

That was it.

That was the moment that would define their lives going forward- either together or  _apart_. She took his hands away from her face, and she didn't miss the hurt that crossed his features for a second- that made her heart clench even more in her chest.

"T-There's something you need to know, Oliver. Something you _deserve_ to know- something I should have told you a long time ago."

He was staring at her with worried eyes, John's words floating across his mind  _'she's been through a lot, just listen to her'_ and he stayed silent, just nodding his head.

"I- I- just- before I tell you- after you know this if y-you'll decide that you never want to see me again-" Fear made her shiver at the thought.

He ignored the distance between them and cupped her face again. "Felicity- whatever this is, it's never going to change how I feel about you-  _ever_."

She just nodded through the tears, hoping with all her heart it was the truth. He wiped her tears again, before moving away a little, giving her space.

She took a deep breath.

"Last year- the night you proposed, at the holiday gathering. We went into the limo and then Darkh's men attacked us-"

Pain crossed his features, but he stayed silent.

"I don't remember much after I got shot- when I woke up the first time in the hospital, I was alone. My mom arrived just a few minutes after I opened my eyes and in the middle of my freaking out about where you were- she told me you brought me in and then left to do something-"

Guilt crossed his face at that. "I'm sorry-"

"Oliver—please. Let me finish."

He nodded again, his hand closing in fists on her sheets.

"The doctor told me about the bullets- the one that caused my paralysis, and the other- and then, he wanted to tell me something else but my mother stopped him, made him leave the room."

New tears ran down her cheeks, and this time Oliver didn't move to stop them.

"She told me that- t-that- I was pregnant, Oliver— I was expecting our child."

She couldn't stop the sob that tore out of her lips, and even behind the blur of her tears, she could see the hutted devastation reflecting back in Oliver's eyes.

And now that the door was open and the river was floating in full force, she couldn't stop it.

"The second bullet went through my lower abdomen. I was only a few weeks along and they said that the damage was significant and they couldn't do anything- and I lost him, Oliver. I lost our baby, and I'm so- so  _sorry_."

She dropped her face into her own hands, sobbing.

Seconds that seemed hours passed- and then his arms engulfed her, and she burrowed her face in his massive chest. He was crying, too. His shoulders were shaking and his face was hiding in her hair.

After a few long moments, his voice reached her ears.

" _Jesus_ , Felicity- all this time-"

"I'm sorry- I should have told you when you came to the hospital-"

"A  _baby_ —" His voice cracked and she gripped his shirt in her fists.

Felicity had been pregnant with his baby. The thought alone made his heart burst in his chest. It was everything he ever wanted—a  _family_. With  _her_. A little person that was the physical manifestation of their love, running around the house. And the knowledge that for a brief period of time that future had been in his grasp and he didn't even realize it, it was— _devastating_. A pain that he never experienced before, not on the island, not when Tommy or his mother died.  _Never_.

It was new and  _overwhelming_.

"You were pregnant and I never knew—"

Another sob shook her body. "I'm so sorry. I was only a few weeks along—I didn't know, I swear Oliver. And the bullet—"

He trembled the thought of what they had lost, but also the familiar fear that he could have lost her too that night. He could have lost his entire future in the span of a few hours.

"Are you okay?" His voice was a pained whisper in her ear. He spoke again. "I mean—is everything—" He needed to know.

She knew what he was asking. She nodded against his chest. "They said there was no permanent damage. I can still-" She couldn't say it.

He just nodded.

"I wanted Darkh to die for what he took from us—I was  _happy_ when you killed him, Oliver. But then—I was left with a void. And the pain—it never goes away, Oliver."

 _Fury_.

Blinding and hot ran through his veins. Oliver wanted to kill Darkh all over again. He was willing to bring him back to life just to squeezed it out of him with his bare hands.

And then he imagined her, going through all of this—alone. He could see her crying at night in their bed—lost and scared. Without him to take care of her—to share and relieve some of the pain. That was even more devastating. He should have been there, holding her in his arms, telling her that they would be okay. That he loved her—that he wasn't going anywhere.

But instead, he lied to her.

He pushed her away.

He wasn't there when she needed him the most.

His heart broke in his chest.

Her weak voice reached his ears, taking him away from his thoughts.

"You deserve to know why I didn't tell you—"

"I know why." He sniffed, moving back a little to cradle her ridden tears face in his hands.

"Do you?" Her face turned hopeful.

"You didn't want to give me another heartbreak in the middle of the situation we were in- and there was nothing I could have done to change it- so you just carried the pain for the both of us."

She shook her head, lowering her gaze to his shirt. "I was wrong- you deserved to know when I did. We both lost something that night- I kept saying to myself that I would tell you the moment I was better. I started the conversation a million times Oliver, you have to believe me. I tried to find the right moment, the right words-"

"And then there was William—"

And another set of emotions fell on him like a blanket. The blanks were filling quickly in his head. All of the moments that didn't make sense— her quitting the team, the sad faces, the dim light in her eyes, the oversized clothes— _everything_. They just had lost a child, and he had sent William away without even talking to her.

So she walked—because she was scared. She was hurt, both physically and emotionally. And without knowing it he just confirmed all of her fears.

" _God_ , Felicity. What I did--"

"It was just too much, Oliver. I didn't know how to deal with all. Can you forgive me--" The words came out muffled by his shirt.

He stopped her. "Felicity- There's nothing to forgive."

He shook his head firmly, leaning to brush his lips across her forehead. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most—"

"You couldn't have known—"

He leaned back to look at her eyes. "If I had been there at the hospital when you woke up that night in the first place, things would have been different—and even after. _I know you_ , I should have seen it— but I didn't. I didn't notice that you needed me. I knew something was wrong. And then with what happened with William and the mistakes I've made—I only hurt you again when you were already hurting so much. I should have stopped you that day, pushed you to talk to me, ask you what was going on, and instead I just- let you  _go_. I'm so sorry, Felicity. I wish I could go back and change all of it—"

She nodded, more tears carving a path down her face. "Me too—"

"It's my fault—all of this is my fault." She sat more straight on the bed, taking hold of his hand that was still on her face.

"Oliver— _no_. The only responsible sadly is already dead. Darkh did this—"

He brushed his thumbs under eyes. "I should have protected you—both of you."

The way his voice broke at the last part made a sob caught in her throat. "You did protect me—protect u-us. You literally covered me with your body and then you took us out of there. Please— it's not your fault."

He hesitated a moment before crashing her against his chest again. 

"I'm sorry— for how I handled things with Samanta. I'm sorry about the lie—I'm sorry that I didn't include you in my decisions—if I did, maybe you would have trusted me with what happened. Please, _forgive me_ —"

"It's okay-"

It really wasn't, but he closed his eyes, swallowing the lump in his throat.

She sniffled a little, and he brushed a few blonde locks behind her ears. And then her eyes met his again.

"Where does this leave us?"

He stared at her for a moment.

"I know where this leaves  _me_ —I  _love_  you, Felicity. I never stopped."

Oliver cradled her face in his palms again.

"But you need to decide for yourself where this leave-  _you_. I know what I want. I love you, I want to pick up the pieces and rebuilt what we had—I want to create something new. I want  _you_."

New tears pooled in her eyes, but she remained silent.

"If you decide that you still want me, I promise I will never-  _ever_ , hurt you again.  And if you need time, I'll wait for you as long as you need."

He swallowed. His sight became blurry.

"But Felicity—if you can't, If being with me it's too much after-" He couldn't even say it. "I just want you to know—"

He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering all the strength he had left in his body and soul to say the next words.

"I just want you to know that it's okay. I get it—All I want is for you to be happy and safe and loved. There's _nothing_ I desire more in this life. And if you feel like I can't give you that anymore— If you feel like it's too much, if too much has happened— I won't hold you back."

"W-What?"

"You deserve someone that will move on with you-- holding your hand, not holding you back. And if you feel that I'm not that person anymore—"

She realized in shock that he was giving her an out.

He was doing the most selfless thing a person in love could ever do. He was willing to let her go for her own good.

She stopped him. "I want to heal—"

He nodded, lowering his gaze to their hands. "I know."

"And I can't do that—"

Oliver started shaking.

"—I can't heal without you, Oliver."

He jerked on the spot. A sparkle of hope ignited in his eyes.

"Sometimes it's hard to breathe—hard to do anything." Her voice broke and he kissed her forehead. "But when I'm with you I'm whole. For the first time in so long, I don't feel like a piece of me is missing."

A small smile graced his features. His hand brushed her jaw, up to her cheek. "I love you so much."

A few drops of tears fell on her cheek. "I don't want to forget—"

He shook his head. "Neither do I."

"Even if we didn't have time—I loved him. I loved our baby. And I don't want to forget. I won't. I can't."

"We will never forget, Felicity. We just need to learn how to live with it—"

Her hand came to his face, and she smiled that beautiful, addicting smile he loved so much.

"Together."

He smiled back, dropping his forehead against hers.

"Together."

She flew herself into his arms, kissing him deeply. And for the first time in more than a year, the pain that had become a constant in her chest turned silent. It was there, and it will always be there—but it wasn't crushing her anymore.

Their forehead touched again. His hands buried in her hair. Hers gripping his shirt. "I love you, Oliver."

He closed his eyes. "We're going to be okay, I  _swear_."

She believed him.

And as she burrowed herself deeper in the arms of the man she loved with all her heart—despite the pain, the lies—she knew.

She knew that—

_\- that was the night that changed everything._

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to read your thoughts and suggestions.  
> I will reply to your comments as soon as possible!  
> Thank you :)


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